IC Inbox (CoB)

[silver_soldier]

I'm listening.

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OUT OF NOWHERE, a wild text appears; un: s0001

[miniroth]

Do you have scales?

@firstclass

[silver_soldier]

There is a brief pause before answering while Sephiroth makes an inspection.

...I didn't previously. But having checked now, there seems to be something of that nature on my wrist. I hadn't noticed it under my glove.

Should I take this to mean you also have some?

[miniroth]

Do they come back if you remove them?

[In a way the non-answer is also an answer. One question might be leading, the second simply confirms.]

[silver_soldier]

I...will not test it. It would be difficult to explain why, but it is important I do not encourage or engage in self-harm.

Specifically, Sephiroth knows this would make him a terrible hypocrite in regards to Angeal and encouraging him not to self-harm in regards to his wings, and so he will hold himself firmly to this standard.

You shouldn't test it any further, either. If they are growing on you as a part of you, then removing them will cause injury. And whatever might be causing this, I doubt that it can simply be stopped or reversed in such a manner.

I assume this is related to the dragons we are connected to.

[miniroth]

[Guess who missed significant portions of the town hall meeting, and that information. The flawlessly neat handwriting wobbles a little.]

I have not encountered a dragon. Returning to Midgar with deviations is inadvisable.

[silver_soldier]

You had a dream about one when you arrived, didn't you? That seems to have been something we all experienced. According to Charlie, these dragons have...bonded with us in some way. He said he wasn't sure what the effects of that would be, but this may be one of them.

Don't worry about returning to Midgar right now. For one thing, if you did, it is unlikely the dragon - and thus the changes - would accompany you. For another, it is doubtful you will return to Midgar anytime soon.

For now, you are safe. And there is time to address these - developments.

[miniroth]

[Each word appears one at a time, very slowly and gouged deep alongside their careful precision. It takes effort to make sure it's steady. Parts are scribbled out, surely they too disappear.]

Unlikely and doubtful are not good enough. I can't risk
You know what will

It's best to prepare for the worst and see if things progress more optimally.

[silver_soldier]

The worst will not happen to you. I promise it.

How can he promise this? Sephiroth doesn't know. But Jenova has ripped a hole into another dimension just to launch attacks before, and on whatever passes for a god in this or any realm, Sephiroth will not let Hojo have this version of himself back. With or without scales.

He will find a way to protect him, as he'd always wished he could be.

[miniroth]

[Wasn't that a nice thought? As impossible as it was.]

Don't make promises you can't

[The sentence isn't actually finished before he sets the stone tablet down. He's learned about promises. It wouldn't be a problem for his older self, would it? He had backup of his two nearly-equally associates. He had ...

He would have to find alternatives. Hide it as long as he could. If anyone in Shinra realized he wasn't human anymore--]

[silver_soldier]

I wouldn't.

But Sephiroth is setting his own tablet down and rising to his feet. He strides quietly out of the cottage he's sharing with the others, moving slowly towards the center of town - less because he expects to find his younger self anywhere near it, but because it will put him roughly equidistant to all possible locations within the town. From there...he may be able to get a sense. A direction.

Perhaps it's the intensity of focus he puts into it, or perhaps it's his younger self's distress. Perhaps on some level Jenova resonates particularly strongly within its most perfect vessel. Maybe it's even easier to sense himself through Jenova's reunification instincts than it would be to sense anyone else. It could be a combination of any or all of those factors. But when Sephiroth picks a direction...it's tentative at first, but as he moves his steps become rapidly more sure, his location clearer with every moment. What was at first a hint of a suspicion becomes a certainty the closer he gets. By the time he reaches the seemingly abandoned cottage, he already knows who's inside.

"It's me," he says, even as he pushes the door open. He also knows about his combat instincts, and what might happen if someone tried to barge into a building he was in unannounced while he was already on edge. Forewarning is an investment in both their futures.

[Text]

[rhapscdos]

Love, do you wish for Angeal and I to accompany you to meet Valentine? I don't trust a Turk, even now.

[silver_soldier]

You think that much of his chances against me, even with our being as reduced as we are?

[rhapscdos]

I don't worry about you physically being able to handle him. I worry for your heart. Turks are Turks because they are conniving bastards first and foremost. I don't want you to get hurt in ways I cannot mend with a cure spell.

[silver_soldier]

Ah...that is different, yes.

I do know he knew my mother. I suppose that has its hazards...though I wonder what more I could possibly learn about her that would be more painful than what I already know. As for anything else, I don't know what knowledge or tools he could have that are uniquely dangerous. I've faced those who fought me back on Gaia before.

I'm grateful for your concern, but you may be worrying needlessly. I have gotten...better at weathering this. I've made progress.

[rhapscdos]

I know. Believe me, with the Goddess as my witness, I couldn't be more proud of your progress too. Still, you'll never keep myself or Geal from fretting over you. Comes with the territory of being our mate, along with myriad other perks.

If you need us, we'll be here. Always.

when in doubt make another one. a text.

[miniroth]

[It's perhaps.. two, three days after Faerie Party Time, and perhaps only an hour before sunset, when a message appears.

Very neat, precise handwriting, as ever.]

I have questions, if you have time. They are going to be embarrassing and very personal.

[silver_soldier]

I see.

I suppose it would be strange to hide anything from you, though I wonder if they will still be personal enough to make me uncomfortable. Sometimes personal comfort and logic don't have a proper correlation to each other.

Still, there aren't many truths I would deny you, and no questions at all which I would actually stop you asking.

[miniroth]

Good. Do you prefer the distance of these stones or will you wish to speak in person?

[silver_soldier]

I often find it easier to articulate when I write. Primarily because it gives him plenty of time to think of what to say. But if these are personal questions...it may also help to be able to hide his reactions if his younger self can't see him. So this may be best. If I change my mind, we can always change to talking in person.

[miniroth]

As you wish. How long precisely have you been having intercourse with multiple partners? Did your decision to mate begin with an individual and allowed for another later, or did you choose two immediately?

[silver_soldier]

Ah.

There is a considerable pause before Sephiroth responds.

Something Genesis informed me of, at length, once we became romantically involved is that it is both mildly insulting and highly awkward to refer to things regarding sex and relationships in terms one might use in a science textbook. Or for animals. For some reason, informal language is considered more appropriate - I believe due to the fact that sex and romance between individuals is inherently intimate, and using clinical language in regards to them therefore feels inherently incorrect.

Please do not refer to it as 'mating' in the future. Or 'intercourse'. You will end up getting a lecture about it if Genesis hears you, and it will likely be the most uncomfortable conversation you have ever had. Simply saying 'have sex with' is both accurate and appropriate enough.

While all of this is entirely true - and in fact Sephiroth has adjusted enough over the past two years or so that hearing his younger self talk this way does sound odd even to him - there's no denying that part of this was simply him stalling for time as he...gingerly lowered himself into the hot water of this conversation. Having done what he can to make it slightly more comfortable going forward...he supposes he has to answer.

It was shortly after I arrived in the simulation I was in, prior to being here. Very shortly upon reuniting with Genesis, who I'd been separated from in our own world for some time due to circumstance. He chooses not to go into detail about this, and doubts his younger self will bat an eye at it. After all, SOLDIERs are sent out on different deployments all the time. Being in SOLDIER together had never guaranteed that they would all be together all the time. He and Angeal had both had feelings for me, and in our separation he had feared they had missed their chance to tell me how they felt, so upon our reunion, he shared his feelings with me. And Angeal's, in turn.

It was just Genesis, at first. However, that was because Angeal showed up in the simulation much later on. Had Angeal been there with Genesis at the same time, it's likely I would have entered a relationship with both of them within the same timeframe.

For the record, I was in the simulation for roughly two years. He knows his younger self will want this frame of reference.

[miniroth]

[Some is indeed glossed right over. If they were assigned different cities, with considerable distances between them, of course there could be long separation. Years, even, though that seemed less likely.]

While I have no intention of discussing your mating habits romantic conquests with Genesis or wooing him, and thus his opinion on phrasing is irrelevant to me, I will endeavor to remember as it is not irrelevant to you.

Would you still have indulged in their "feelings" with them if the setting of their confessions had differed? Midgar or Junon as opposed to a simulation? If the simulation could alter a body, could it also alter an emotion?

How much of that two years was required to make having their hands on you less uncomfortable?

[silver_soldier]

Genesis has no doubt talked to you at length about Loveless already, has he not? Genesis considers his opinion on all things relevant to everyone, all the time. I strongly suggest you don't tempt fate as to whether or not he considers your phrasing relevant.

And I am not simply indulging in their feelings. I share them, and to an extent always have. Until the conversation with Genesis, I had not...considered the romantic angle, I suppose. And certainly I had not considered the sexual. But I loved them, completely. They represented nearly all that had ever been good in my life. Once the idea of other ways to love them was suggested to me, despite it not having occurred to me before, it seemed like the most natural thing in the world. As though the idea had always been there, and I had simply lacked the imagination - or perhaps the necessary frames of reference - to conceive of it on my own. There was no hesitation or doubt involved.

Locale and timing would have changed very little. The feelings had been there prior to the simulation.

As for becoming comfortable with touch, that happened years prior to any romantic entanglements. Casual touch was something they subjected me to from quite early on in our friendship, whether I wanted it or not, and I'm grateful they insisted on it. It was something I was unaccustomed to, struggled to trust, and had been told I didn't need, but...I both needed and wanted it, beneath all those difficulties. Even when I was actively uncomfortable, a part of me enjoyed it. And once the discomfort of the unfamiliar passed, I could enjoy it fully.

But there were years of having arms draped over my shoulders, being curled up with them on Angeal's couch watching movies, and other such friendly contact long before there was anything romantic between us. If you fear you're going to be thrown in at the deep end whenever we go back to our own worlds and times, you don't have to.

Likewise. if your experiences do mirror mine, then you don't need to worry about feeling whatever distaste or uncertainty you feel now when you reach the point of forming such a relationship with them. When that time comes, it will feel as though you had been waiting for it to happen for years.

[miniroth]

As yet he has not chosen to discuss sexual matters with someone half his age and I have no reason to think that's likely to change. Fate will not be tempted so long as you don't prod him to do so.

What does love feel like to you?

It is a goal that my experiences will NOT mirror yours in any way shape or form, is it not? Returning to Gaia means being decomissioned and vivisected.

But even should circumstances differ there is a reasonable chance I may "develop feelings" for another at some time in the future, and understanding how you habituated may make it easier to contend with. As it stands as you remember from this age likely the idea of sex is a repugnant one, and the idea of that changing because of liking someone and not simply some

latent attraction i have yet to actually experience that the Professor and most others claims i will surely have sooner or later as all adolescents do

[silver_soldier]

Hopefully. I don't know if he would consider you too young for sexual education yet. Certainly he didn't discuss it with me until we were involved with one another. But even children are sometimes educated about sex and etiquette regarding sex, so I wouldn't consider yourself completely safe and would still avoid using phrases that might trigger his belief that you may require such education around him.

Also, being decommissioned and vivisected are things that never happened to me, so as far as that goes, you my want to mirror my experiences that far, at least. There are places I would like to see your path diverge from mine, but your being dismantled for dragon parts would hardly be an improvement on my own circumstances.

As for love...how I felt for Angeal and Genesis wasn't too different from how I felt for Glenn and his squad, though obviously since I knew Angeal and Genesis for far longer, and shared more experiences with them, the connection was forged even more deeply. Enjoying the time I spent with them, feeling safer and more comfortable with them than anyone else, drawing comfort and support from them, being immensely invested in their well-being. And, of course, wishing to provide for them all the things they provided for me, because of how important they were to me. These are the platonic feelings I had for them before anything romantic or sexual was involved, but they're all feelings you should be familiar with, and they formed the basis for what came later. It's not some entirely separate emotion - it's an extension of the affection you already feel for someone. At least, it is how I experience it.

I admit that when Genesis first expressed interest in me...it made me happy that he cared for me so deeply, but I was more willing to explore the idea of sex and romance with him because he wanted it than because I felt any inherent interest myself. I had never seen the appeal, but if it was something someone I loved so much wanted, that I could provide, I felt I would be happy to. That making him happy would make me happy, and was worth doing something I felt ambivalent about at best. However, once I actually tried things like kissing and sex for myself, rather than just hearing about them or witnessing them as a spectator...I found that they are far more pleasant activities than I had given them credit for, and if I hadn't tried them for his sake I would have been missing out simply due to my own preconceptions about things I had never truly understood. To kiss someone is such a different experience than to watch other people kiss as to be utterly incomparable.

I encourage you to attempt to keep an open mind, and to divorce your feelings about other people engaging in sex or romance from the idea of how it would feel for you to do the same. There's simply no comparison. Whether or not you would enjoy it, they're still nothing alike to each other, and you can only judge how it feels accurately once you've tried it. Which you don't have to rush to do, naturally, but don't assume you have any basis for judging what it would be like in advance.

I don't know if it reassures you, but until Genesis expressed his interest in me, and until I realized I enjoyed physical affection with him...I didn't experience the sort of attraction you describe. I knew he was attractive, but in an objective way. I never really thought of anyone like that until I had reason to take an interest. Perhaps you may have been...compromised by the idea that you will eventually take an interest in others, through me...in which case I apologize for accidentally kick-starting things you aren't ready for or interested in yet.

But to go back to what you asked...love, to me, simply feels like a more intense form of the love I felt for Genesis and Angeal back when we were only friends, with some physical attraction added into the mix. I already loved them so much, and was so prepared to do anything for them, that romance felt as though it changed little between us aside from some of the activities we engaged in. It may be that our lack of positive relationships with other people in our lives, the lack of people who care about us and who we want to be with, has made us attach...unusually strongly to the few people who hold meaning for us. Maybe other people have far more casual friendships. And admittedly, both in the simulation and here, developing less...intense relationships with people is both possible, and something I have done. But on our own world, I lacked those opportunities - as you well know.

Is any of that helpful?