There's doodles all up and down the margins; this took a while to compose; changes in handwriting here and there mark some level of discomfort with some things.]
I have had a thorough sexual education already, and if any such thing is ten years away I have no need for etiquette lessons now about it. Do not inform him of anything otherwise and I will likely go unlectured.
You were also presumably not turning into a dragon at sixteen, so our experiences by necessity are deviating. Likewise, there is a reasonable chance if I am not soon returned to my place in Midgar, dragon or not, I will never meet the Genesis and Angeal of my age and rank, and thus everything you have experienced alters.
[He's .. rather older than he looks. Smaller than he should be too. Huh. Maybe there's a lot more deviations to start with.]
Not that I wish it so, on surface level observation of the contentment you seem to have. There is, or I suppose was, much to be gained from knowing if not the method of getting there, then the approximate end result I could look forward to. Unless they appear here as well, it may never be. And if they do, it will certainly be awkward to base our friendship on "We will be having intercourse in some years so let's prepare for that".
If one may truly die from embarrassment that would be a genuine risk.
Were there more time, more than the ten days we had in Rhadore, would how you felt about your team been the same than for your partners with equal time? If they expressed interest in you, would you have accepted interest in them?
There are no apologies needed for 'kick starting' anything. There is no Genesis for me to fall in love with whom is free to be loved, nor an Angeal. Or my team.
Some of this is helpful. Others I admit raise more questions than they answer, such as if our team did express interest, would Lucia have been left out?
...you're sixteen? But you said you were only recently deployed to Rhadore. I was deployed to Rhadore at twelve.
There may be far more discrepancies already than I realized.
But despite how much this information has thrown him for a loop, the way he's turning it over in his mind looking for all the possible ways this affects everything he's thought so far...it never even occurs to him not to continue answering questions. That he could just not fulfill a request made of him due to the state his mind and emotions are in is something he still struggles to remember.
As for Glenn and his squad...I don't know. Certainly I was too young when I knew them to consider any such thing, and the age difference would have made it unlikely for them to even consider it themselves until I was at least eighteen, if not more. Between the fact that I knew them at a time when such thoughts weren't ever on my radar, and everything that happened with them...it's hard to even give a theoretical answer to that question.
The best I can say is that the possibility was there, in the form of the deep affection I had for them - and I have never experienced much desire without such feelings of affection to start with. But whether they would have felt any such thing in return, and whether or not my feelings could or would have deepened to something more in time - it's too speculative to give any meaningful answer. A coin flip would be as accurate a guess as any insight I could give you.
I had been placing much on the erroneous assumption that we are the same and thus the future you have of contentment and family would one day also be my own even if it would be awkward and uncomfortable to reach that point.
With new information to work with I have been re-evaluating.
I assure you, there is much in my future you would be better off avoiding, and much of the happiness I've found has been contingent on the strange rules of places like this, and the simulation before it. That you're not necessarily bound to my fate is a more positive outcome than you can imagine.
That said, regardless of anything else or any differences between us that may exist, I have no doubt the Angeal and Genesis of your world will find you. They sought me out intentionally, and they will do the same to you, even if the circumstances in which such things happen differ. They are far too stubborn to be derailed by such small setbacks. So if meeting them informs part of your hopes for your own future, you don't need to give those hopes up.
We are on different planets. They will not find me.
And I imagine they may well be derailed by facing a dragon, were they on the same planet. SOLDIER is taught thoroughly what to do about monsters.
[It had been important to him to believe that bright ending was waiting for him. And now having to rely on some sad, minuscule hope that two specific people might just happen to appear on a completely different planet, and events still unfold the same way..
Sephiroth didn't dare allow himself many dreams. It's too unpleasant when he's forced by reality to give them up. What once had been incomprehensibly strange but at least a positive to anticipate was now so much ash.
He'll pull himself together. He always has. It's just a lot of disappointment piling up.]
In light of the differences between us, any further questions I may have asked are irrelevant. A sibling still, but we are not the same. I would have preferred it if we were.
I didn't remain in the simulation forever. It is entirely possible we won't be here forever, either. Likewise, there is no reason to think that, if you return home, the dragon - and the changes it's wrought on you - will go with you. There are many possibilities still for you to meet your own Angeal and Genesis, whether or not it happens exactly as it did for me.
But...I'm sorry if believing we were the same gave you comfort that you no longer have. I believed it as well. But the thought gave me more dread than happiness. I've endured much that I would never wish you to go through, and the thought that you might be inescapably doomed to suffer the same events I have was deeply distressing. That there is possibility for deviance between our timelines gives me hope I didn't have before.
Still, I would rather it not have come at the expense of something that comforted you.
I must wonder truly at what differences there are in our lives and upbringing that you might seriously suggest I base my plans for the future on nothing but wishful thinking.
But it is good that it has brought you some level of ease for your worries. And that I finally have an explanation for why our scales are a different color!
I will be fine. I apologize for troubling you so needlessly over such petty things.
I expect you wish to withdraw to be alone to deal with your pain. May I suggest you not do so, and accept company instead? We don't need to talk if you don't wish to.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
timeasmymeasure
2/2
Date: 2024-12-04 05:07 pm (UTC)There's doodles all up and down the margins; this took a while to compose; changes in handwriting here and there mark some level of discomfort with some things.]
I have had a thorough sexual education already, and if any such thing is ten years away I have no need for etiquette lessons now about it. Do not inform him of anything otherwise and I will likely go unlectured.
You were also presumably not turning into a dragon at sixteen, so our experiences by necessity are deviating. Likewise, there is a reasonable chance if I am not soon returned to my place in Midgar, dragon or not, I will never meet the Genesis and Angeal of my age and rank, and thus everything you have experienced alters.
[He's .. rather older than he looks. Smaller than he should be too. Huh. Maybe there's a lot more deviations to start with.]
Not that I wish it so, on surface level observation of the contentment you seem to have. There is, or I suppose was, much to be gained from knowing if not the method of getting there, then the approximate end result I could look forward to. Unless they appear here as well, it may never be. And if they do, it will certainly be awkward to base our friendship on "We will be having intercourse in some years so let's prepare for that".
If one may truly die from embarrassment that would be a genuine risk.
Were there more time, more than the ten days we had in Rhadore, would how you felt about your team been the same than for your partners with equal time? If they expressed interest in you, would you have accepted interest in them?
There are no apologies needed for 'kick starting' anything. There is no Genesis for me to fall in love with whom is free to be loved, nor an Angeal. Or my team.
Some of this is helpful. Others I admit raise more questions than they answer, such as if our team did express interest, would Lucia have been left out?
no subject
Date: 2024-12-04 11:12 pm (UTC)...you're sixteen? But you said you were only recently deployed to Rhadore. I was deployed to Rhadore at twelve.
There may be far more discrepancies already than I realized.
But despite how much this information has thrown him for a loop, the way he's turning it over in his mind looking for all the possible ways this affects everything he's thought so far...it never even occurs to him not to continue answering questions. That he could just not fulfill a request made of him due to the state his mind and emotions are in is something he still struggles to remember.
As for Glenn and his squad...I don't know. Certainly I was too young when I knew them to consider any such thing, and the age difference would have made it unlikely for them to even consider it themselves until I was at least eighteen, if not more. Between the fact that I knew them at a time when such thoughts weren't ever on my radar, and everything that happened with them...it's hard to even give a theoretical answer to that question.
The best I can say is that the possibility was there, in the form of the deep affection I had for them - and I have never experienced much desire without such feelings of affection to start with. But whether they would have felt any such thing in return, and whether or not my feelings could or would have deepened to something more in time - it's too speculative to give any meaningful answer. A coin flip would be as accurate a guess as any insight I could give you.
But why do you ask about Lucia specifically?
no subject
Date: 2024-12-04 11:33 pm (UTC)For hours.
He'll write back, eventually.]
no subject
Date: 2024-12-04 11:35 pm (UTC)Are you all right?
no subject
Date: 2024-12-04 11:44 pm (UTC)Yes.
[Nope.]
I was merely distracted. I apologize.
I had been placing much on the erroneous assumption that we are the same and thus the future you have of contentment and family would one day also be my own even if it would be awkward and uncomfortable to reach that point.
With new information to work with I have been re-evaluating.
no subject
Date: 2024-12-05 01:44 am (UTC)That said, regardless of anything else or any differences between us that may exist, I have no doubt the Angeal and Genesis of your world will find you. They sought me out intentionally, and they will do the same to you, even if the circumstances in which such things happen differ. They are far too stubborn to be derailed by such small setbacks. So if meeting them informs part of your hopes for your own future, you don't need to give those hopes up.
no subject
Date: 2024-12-05 01:56 am (UTC)And I imagine they may well be derailed by facing a dragon, were they on the same planet. SOLDIER is taught thoroughly what to do about monsters.
[It had been important to him to believe that bright ending was waiting for him. And now having to rely on some sad, minuscule hope that two specific people might just happen to appear on a completely different planet, and events still unfold the same way..
Sephiroth didn't dare allow himself many dreams. It's too unpleasant when he's forced by reality to give them up. What once had been incomprehensibly strange but at least a positive to anticipate was now so much ash.
He'll pull himself together. He always has. It's just a lot of disappointment piling up.]
In light of the differences between us, any further questions I may have asked are irrelevant. A sibling still, but we are not the same. I would have preferred it if we were.
no subject
Date: 2024-12-05 02:01 am (UTC)But...I'm sorry if believing we were the same gave you comfort that you no longer have. I believed it as well. But the thought gave me more dread than happiness. I've endured much that I would never wish you to go through, and the thought that you might be inescapably doomed to suffer the same events I have was deeply distressing. That there is possibility for deviance between our timelines gives me hope I didn't have before.
Still, I would rather it not have come at the expense of something that comforted you.
no subject
Date: 2024-12-05 02:12 am (UTC)But it is good that it has brought you some level of ease for your worries. And that I finally have an explanation for why our scales are a different color!
I will be fine. I apologize for troubling you so needlessly over such petty things.
no subject
Date: 2024-12-05 02:14 am (UTC)I expect you wish to withdraw to be alone to deal with your pain. May I suggest you not do so, and accept company instead? We don't need to talk if you don't wish to.
no subject
Date: 2024-12-05 02:31 am (UTC)I believe I have embarrassed myself enough for one day. But thank you for the offer.
no subject
Date: 2024-12-05 02:34 am (UTC)